Why defensiveness hurts when you’re trying to be heard

You were hoping to be heard.

You finally put something into words. Something hurt. Something felt lonely. Something between you needs attention.

And the response is an explanation, a correction, or a list of things you have done wrong too. Before you know it, you’re defending your right to have brought it up.

That can feel frustrating, exhausting or strangely deflating. You might find yourself thinking: I’m trying to reach you. How did we end up further apart?

Two things may be happening at once.

You’re trying to communicate the impact of an experience. The other person may be trying to protect themselves from what they hear in your words.

Perhaps they hear “you’re a bad person” where you meant “this affected me”. Perhaps they feel unfairly accused, embarrassed or unsure how to respond. Those are possibilities to be curious about, rather than conclusions we can make for them.

A protective response can still hurt the person reaching out. Understanding it doesn’t erase its impact.

• “That’s not what I meant.”
• “You do it too.”
• “I can’t say anything right.”
• “You’re making this a bigger deal than it is.”

The conversation can lose the thing you brought to it.

You may have wanted acknowledgment, care or a sign that something could change. Instead, the discussion becomes about whether your reaction is reasonable, whether their intentions were good, or whose version is correct.

There can be two layers of hurt: the original experience, and the feeling of being alone with it afterwards. That second layer might be what makes the conversation feel so difficult.

Being heard doesn’t require someone to agree with every detail. It does ask them to make some room for your experience. Research by Gordon and Chen found that feeling understood mattered for how conflict related to relationship satisfaction. That finding doesn’t mean understanding alone resolves every conflict.

There can be room for impact and intention.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you” may be true. “It still hurt” may also be true.

An explanation can become easier to hear after the impact has been acknowledged. The Gottman Institute describes taking responsibility for your part, rather than countering a complaint, as an alternative to defensiveness.

This isn’t an invitation to accept blame for things you haven’t done. You can recognise another person’s feelings while still having your own perspective.

A few words to borrow.

If it feels safe and useful, you could try one of these. Adapt them until they sound like you.

• “I want to understand what you meant. First, could we make a little room for how it landed for me?”
• “I’m not asking you to agree with every detail. I’m asking you to hear what this experience was like for me.”
• “I can feel myself wanting to explain everything. Let me slow down and hear what affected you.”
• “I want us to come back to this with more care. Can we agree on a time to try again?”

Notice what happens after the conversation, too.

A thoughtful response might sound like: “I can see why that felt dismissive. I interrupted you. I’d like to hear the rest.” What follows matters as well: making room, respecting a pause and acting differently where change is needed.

You don’t have to find perfect words to earn respect. If sharing a concern leads to intimidation, threats or fear, clearer communication is not something you have to keep attempting. Your safety and access to support matter.

For a difficult but respectful conversation, the question might be: can we become curious about what happens between us, without asking either person to disappear from it?

Keep exploring.

Related reading

• The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness ↗

  The Gottman Institute’s explanation of defensiveness and taking responsibility for your part.

• Feeling understood during conflict ↗

  Gordon & Chen (2016): a research abstract about perceived understanding, conflict and relationship satisfaction.